Frederic O'Piggle
by TwilightPakRat
Summary: Leprechaun Eddie? No way! But apparently, the little dude has been keeping a pretty big secret for a while. Read to find out Bella's reaction to this shocking news. Crackfic inspired by my story An Alien's Humor but can be read separately.


A/N: Hello people. A while ago, I wrote this as a joke chapter for my story An Alien's Humor. But, then I thought to myself, _Self? Shouldn't others, who haven't read my story, get to meet Leprechaun Eddie?_ And I had to agree. So I'm thinking this can be read separate or with my story. Keep in mind that it is a twisted form of writing for my amusement and hopefully yours. Two reviewers wished me to write this as a crackfic so I hope you enjoy. Beware...

And listen to _Nine in the Afternoon_ by Panic! At the Disco. It has nothing to do with mythical creatures, but it adds randomness to this whole er _story._

Disclaimer: In what universe would Twilight ever meet leprechauns? Well...obviously this one. But the fact remains. This is not Twilight. Just a strange little mixture of my alien's humor, weirdness, and random inspiration. Good luck!

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_In Summary, Edward and Bella have been bffs for about a year. Here, Edward is about to tell Bella something very monumental, something he's hidden from her for a very long time. After some betrayal involving James-Bella's long lost friend, some tears, and some Spice Girl flavored angst, our leprechaun is finally ready to explain. Enjoy!

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My life lost all meaning as the next moment ensued. I'd always believed I was a level-headed person who wouldn't freak out about supernatural events taking place. But…well….What would _you_ do, if your best friend had one moment been leading into a confession of love and suddenly turned into a leprechaun?

As it was, I felt an urge to scream but found I'd lost the ability to even udder a squeak. My eyes widened to the size of the moon, (Panic! At the Disco. How appropriate, I _was_ panicking right now) and my mouth dropped open, but I decided not to run until I got more answers.

It wasn't exactly _scary_, just bewildering. And crazy. But then, I'd proved on various occasions that _my_ head wasn't exactly normal. Could this be a dream? I didn't think so. My head spun dizzily, my heart was pounding too loudly in my ears. And then…_Edward's_ voice spoke up.

"I'm a leprechaun, Bella!"

I bit my lip to stop myself from either laughing or crying-I couldn't tell which-because Edward's voice, his beautiful silky velvet voice, had been replaced with a high nasally squeak reminiscent of Spongebob Squarepants. With an Irish brogue. O.M…L.E! (Oh my leprechaun Eddie, in case you were wondering.)

"Edward…." I finally found my voice, though it was little more than a whisper.

"Aye, lass," he sighed, squatting in the grass. His clothing had shifted to an emerald green suit similar to the color of his eyes, and his tiny little feet were covered with buckled black shoes. The strong face hadn't changed much, though a bronze goatee had sprouted miraculously from his chin. And the once masculine body….had been reduced to the size of a toddler. Sitting down, he came up to just below my chest. "Although my leprechaun's name is different. I go by Frederic O'Piggle, in this form."

"Frederic-"

"O'Piggle. Correct."

"How-why…I don't-" I stuttered nonsensically, then actually had a thought. "Does your family know?"

"Family?" He stared at me confused, and then understanding crossed his now Irish features. "Yea. Esme's been right kind to let me stay with them. Don't know a finer lady. And Alice has been most interested in finding me better clothes, though I quite like these." He brushed his hands along the rough green of his little pants.

"So…you're a leprechaun!" I muttered in awe.

"Yes." He sighed again. "James somehow knew about that, too. He likes gold that guy. If he knew about my hidden pot at the end of the rainbow, I'd be dead right now."

"Dead?"

"Tha's right. When a leprechaun's pot of gold is discovered, he goes to the land of the Little Men in the sky." He gazed heavenward, then saw my expression and scowled. "I didn't come up with the name, did I? It's what my fellow brethren call it!"

"Interesting," I said quickly, biting my lip again. This time, most definitely to stop myself from laughing. We sunk into silence, each trying to find something to say. And then Edward abruptly stood up and started dancing a merry jig, mysterious Celtic music appearing in the back round. Um…O-_kay_ then. I clapped absentmindedly, too caught up to be overly impressed, though he was certainly talented.

"I'm here to teach you that," he stated, looking at me dead on. Standing up, he was the height of me sitting down. Now _that_ was impressive.

I blinked. "Excuse me?"

"Yes," he stated solemnly. "Tis my purpose in life, other than protecting my gold. I find someone to teach a jig to, the perfect person, and since you're the most dance challenged person I've met, you're the lucky lass. So off your bum! 'Tis time."

"Well then!" I exclaimed, jumping up, quite offended indeed. My heart and ego were crying immensely. "You'd better be nice to me, O'Piggle! I could mock you mirthlessly for this."

He looked up at me, skeptically. "How so?"

"Look at you!" I practically shouted. "You look like the fricken' Lucky Charms dude."

He grinned. "I _am_ magically delicious."

"And humble too," I mumbled. Louder, I added, "And you're _tiny_. I mean…_Alice _is taller than you. I could squish you, if I wasn't too careful."

"Yes, well, it's not exactly my choice, is it?" he pouted.

"Why 'Edward'?" I asked randomly. Hmm apparently I'm ADD now.

"It's Frederic."

"No, I mean, why did you choose Edward as an alias?"

He shrugged. "Knew a vampire by that name, long ago. The ladies fancied him a great deal, even though he sparkled in the sun. Somehow, they thought that was beautiful. I think it's a tad gay, personally. And, in retrospect, the lad might've _been_ homosexual. He'd never found a girl. Anyway, I thought if I looked like him, a pretty girl might come my way." He smiled almost shyly. "Seems to have been the case."

Well, damn! He _still_ could dazzle me, even as a midget freak in a bright green suit. What the hell is wrong with me?

And that afternoon I discovered two more things. After much practice, I can kick ass at the jig. And also, I'm in love. With. A. Leprechaun.

An alien and a leprechaun. What a perfect match! Emmett will never let me live this down.

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A/N: You still with me? Gooood! So...what did you think? Pee your pants worthy? Or...a few weak chuckles? And I mean no offense to short people (because I'm one of you) or people of Irish ethnicity. I was just trying to be really cliche and this is how it turned out. I'm sure not all of you add lass to every sentence or jig abruptly. So, send me a review and Fredric will come your way and teach you to jig. Thanks!


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